Saturday, August 04, 2007

Did I Ever Tell You, You're A Zero (Or, I See Dead Drunk People)

A rogues gallery of, well, rogues.

One (Too Many) Bourbon + One (Too Many) Scotch + One (Too Many) Beer
American (and an Aussie) Idols
Making Us Proud


"Hey! See that guy over there? Follow him when he gets in his truck," G says, as I watch the tall, lanky kid step into his ride. As he drives away, another truck pulls up behind him and follows him out of the parking lot. We follow them.

"That guy totally just bought alcohol for the kid in the truck behind him," G explains, "I want to see the hand-off." G is excited that she spotted this little interaction.

We are tailing the two trucks, hanging back with discreet, spy-like skill (No doubt honed from some lame "Murder She Wrote" episode, where Angela Lansbury (G) and Tom Bosley (me) pursue, at 15 miles an hour, a geriatric lawbreaker.)

The trucks pull into a dirt parking lot, only about a quarter mile from where they started (and still, mind you, in pretty public view). The "legal" (if you can call buying liquor for minors legal) buyer pulls in first, the younger "illegal" (yes, minor) pulls his truck around so that they are window to window (Because, we are transacting illegal business here, so why try to look any more indiscreet?). The elder (by only 5 years or so) hands off the package, and pulls away fast, in a flurry of gravel and dust (because, were still not drawing attention to ourselves yet). The minor, sauce in hand, pulls out slower.

"That was so cool," exclaims G.

"Yeah," I respond.

Fortunately, the night goes by without any incidents or accidents on The Rock.

But, two days later, the someone driving a truck, hits a telephone poll (Not the minor above, but a legal drinker, and, not an uncommon occurrence out here on the island), and is airlifted (by plane) off The Rock.

Two days later — while drinking in the local (only) bar on the island — we overhear somebody telling of that accident (his girlfriend, who is sitting right next to him, drinking). He is drunk.

They get home safe that night.

Three days later, a drunk somebody runs his truck into an abandoned trailer home. Plane, hospital, broken bones, and he returns to the island.

It will happen again (and, again) out here. Until somebody dies.

And then, it will happen again.

(Please, drink wisely. And don't, for phuck sake, drive! Really, I don't care if you hurt yourself, but, there are 1,200 others out here who prefer not to go down with you.)


It Was A Very Good Beer
(Buy: The Simpsons: The Simpsons: Songs In The Key Of Springfield [Original Music From The Television Series])

Ballantine Beer
(Ballantine Beer Orchestra))

Beer Beer Bottla Beer
(Download: A. C. Ducey: Thurl Festival! (At WFMU: Beware the Blog)

Beer Run
(Buy: Todd Snider: Near Truths and Hotel Rooms Live [LIVE])

All for Me Grog
(Buy: Dan Zanes: Sea Music)

(Buy: Gogol Bordello: Super Taranta!)

I'm feeling a bit thirsty. Let's head out.

Nite Club
Friday Night, Saturday Morning
(Buy: The Specials (Featuring Rico): The Singles Collection)

Seeing double yet? Well, how about now?

Beer Barrel Polka
(Buy: The Andrews Sisters: 60th Anniversary Collection)
Beer Barrel Polka
(Buy: Roy Clark and Buck Trent: Banjo Bandits)

What's The Use Of Getting Sober (When You Gonna Get Drunk Again?)
(Buy: Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five: Louis Jordan & His Tympani Five [Original Recording Remastered])
What's The Use Of Getting Sober (When You're Gotta Get... )
(Buy: Joe Jackson: Jumpin' Jive)

Too Drunk To Fuck
(Buy: Dead Kennedys: Give Me Convenience Or Give Me Death)
Too Drunk To Fuck
(Buy: Nouvelle Vague: Nouvelle Vague)

In Heaven There Is No Beer
(Buy: Frankie Yankovic: The Best of Frankie Yankovic)
In Heaven There Is No Beer
(Buy: Brave Combo: Polkas for a Gloomy World)

Well, you don't have to go home, but, you can't stay here.

I Wish You Were A Beer
(Buy: Cycle Sluts from Hell: Cycle Sluts from Hell)

Closing Time
(Buy: Semisonic: Feeling Strangely Fine)

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