Eat, Drink, and Be Miserable

Cookie & friend — eating fruit.
Sesame Street

SUPERFOODS FOR THE PESSIMIST. BY CHRIS HICKS (via McSweeney's)

Blueberries
Contain massive doses of a number of antioxidants, including anthocyanins and other polyphenols, and carotenoids. They are also high in fiber, folic acid, and vitamins C and E, none of which can help you now.

Tomatoes
An excellent source of lycopene. This antioxidant chemical neutralizes free radicals in the body, reducing the rate of oxidation in your cells and slowing the aging process. Slowing, not stopping: you will never be 18 again.

Apricots
This über-food has been proven to boost serotonin levels, giving fleeting feelings of contentment, which cast the despair into sharper relief. Use them as a snack or to brighten up a salad.

Walnuts
Walnuts contain massive amounts of omega-3 fatty acids, which fight heart disease, and plant sterols, which lower cholesterol, as well as lots of antioxidants. You can lower your risk of cardiovascular disease by 15 percent to 50 percent if you eat a few five times a week. You will still rot in the nursing home, but more slowly and at greater cost to your kids.

Apples
All have tons of antioxidants, including flavonoids and other polyphenols, and fiber. Protect against strokes and diseases such as Alzheimer's. Do not protect against drug-related violence, vehicular homicide, or the spirit-crushing grayness of this tawdry existence.

Broccoli
A good source of vitamin E, which is otherwise hard to get into the diet. Especially if the "diet" is microwave dinners for one, seasoned with tears.

Watercress
As well as being stuffed full of antioxidants and fiber, and containing virtually no calories, this wonder salad is probably the only organism on earth more truly impotent than you. Add to salads and sandwiches for peppery flavor and laughable feelings of superiority.

Dark Chocolate
An excellent source of flavenoids, which lower cholesterol and prevent fatty deposits from building up in your arteries. Will keep your broken heart beating—as a second-to-second reminder that you are alone—long after you want it to stop.

Whiskey
Still the only friend you've ever had and the only home you'll ever know. A new you? That's priceless. Drink up.

•••

Beans And Cornbread
(Buy: Louis Jordan: Malcolm X Soundtrack)

Drink My Honey
(Buy: Lord of Acid: Voodoo-U)

Exit Music (For A Film)
(Buy: Radiohead: OK Computer)

(I figured I owed you a few for not writing for awhile.)

It Ain't Nothing But A Tree Thing, Baby

Brown's Head Light House
The Rock
February, 2005

•••

With a house full of little critters (Babette, Maneki Neko, and the newly welcomed Marcel Duchamp) — a tiny little tabletop tree seemed the appropriate decor this season. We figured that it would be easier then yelling — "Get out of there! Get down!" — at the 'kids' every 10 minutes. We put the leash on Marcel, hopped in the car, and drove out to the woods in search of the perfect specimen.

After a long walk through the wilderness (of The Rock) and a little beach-combing, we stumbled upon the little tree — about waist high, and ideally conical. With my trusty, rusty bowsaw in hand — I bent down and took care of business. A minute later, we were walking back to the car, tree perched over my shoulder.

When we returned home, I opened the trunk of the car to the unpleasant smell of, what can only be described as, cat urine. If you have never had the smell visit your olfactory receptors, consider yourself very fortunate — if you have, however, you know the smell I was smelling. The tree did not make it's way into the house.

I conveyed this story to a friend who, at the end of my telling, said, "Oh, you must have gotten a skunk spruce." Indeed, I had.

A little research, please, and yes, Picea glauca or, the White Spruce (also known as Canadian Spruce, Eastern Spruce, Black Hills Spruce, Skunk Spruce and, oh, yeah, the Cat Spruce) — it was the last two caught my interest (and attention). Apparently, the white spruce, as a defense mechanism has, not only, stiff and sharp needles — but when young and immature, a distinctive odor; foul (when young) — but pleasant when older. How very interesting. How very foul.

We will be out looking for a new (kinder, gentler, sweeter smelling) tree this weekend — or making one out of an old Readers Digest.

•••

The Klezmatics: Hanukah Tree (Hanukkah)
(Buy: The Klezmatics: Woody Guthrie's Happy Joyous Hanukkah)

Vince Guaraldi Trio: O Tannenbaum
(Buy: Vince Guaraldi Trio: A Charlie Brown Christmas)

Radiohead: Fake Plastic Trees
(Buy: Radiohead: The Bends)

Brenda Lee: Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree
(Buy: Brenda Lee: Jingle Bell Rock)

Belly: Feed The Tree
(Buy: Belly: Star)

Dr. Dre w/ Snoop (Doggy) Dogg: Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang
(Buy: The Chronic)

What A Piece Of Man Is Man

Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces
The Pumpkin(less) Patch, The Rock
September 2006

My nephew used to come to the house and exclaim, "Where's Piece of Man?" Knowing what was coming, I would go to Hugo's hiding place, take him out, and show him to my nephew who would, in turn, run screaming from the room. Piece of Man. Hugo. Any way you put it, Kenner (THE toy company of the 50's, 60's, and 70's, and sucked into oblivion by Hasbro in 2000) thought kids would love it.

Well, maybe they just want to know where he is at all times.

Radiohead: Creep (Buy It!)
EasyStar All*Stars: Paranoid Android (Buy It!)